The Scene: A wonderful Fourth of July weekend in the large backyard of a friend. That Saturday was perfect. Great weather; the sun was out with a perfect breeze. Great food and even better company, including my wife. By evening, the fire was roaring, along with the conversation.
Then, out of nowhere; the all to familiar sound of metal being crushed. This was different from accidents I’ve heard, whether in real life or on T.V. This was loud, this was close and this was very, very bad. Someone was in bad shape.
My friend, who had grown up there, began to run along with others. She knew exactly where to go. My wife and I grabbed the car for more light. I lost them and initially went the wrong way. After a little confusion, we finally arrived on scene. My friend ran to the car; I’ve never seen such terror and sadness in anyone’s face before. She described a horrific spectacle, one that I will get to.
The most important thing she said was a man had hit a tree and was lying dead. My wife is in the medical profession, although she works in the lab. She is trained in CPR, but fortunately she never had to use it; until now. She ran to the body to perform Chest Only Compressions. A well known procedure that will double your odds of survival. A man who had “done CPR for 35 years” had already assessed the body, simply saying he had no pulse, don’t touch him. My wife ignored his ignorant advice, knowing the odds were slim, but also knowing this man’s life was worth trying, who gives a shit about the odds. I was just there for moral support, with several people watching and more showing up.
My wife was yelling if anyone is on the phone with 911; no answer. She still yells out what she is doing, “beginning compressions”, falling on deaf ears but mine.
This is not a story about the other people though, this was a horrible event for everyone involved. It is simply my story, and what I saw and felt that night. Mostly a story of my beautiful wife doing everything she could in such an extraordinary event.
The man, likely thinking my wife was tired (I hope, but doubt) or doing it wrong (CPR has changed a lot in 35 years), took over. He began 10 slow compressions and asked my poor wife to begin mouth-to-mouth; a completely unnecessary procedure in this situation.
Again though, while this isn’t a story of him, I just don’t understand how anyone with knowledge of CPR could stand there telling people to not touch him. Then getting in and telling my wife to do mouth-to-mouth when she knew it wasn’t going to help. She yells for a shirt to support his head, I take mine off and give it to her. His neck was a large reason for not doing mouth-to-mouth. After thick, foaming and bloody fluid began pouring out of his mouth, we knew there was no chance.
Again, this isn’t really about the strangers, but something is bothering both my wife and I about that man. My wife was doing just fine while he was doing nothing, compression only CPR is very common, and in this case, the right thing to do. I guess it wasn’t up to his standards, after all, he already pronounced he was dead (which is when you do CPR), who was this woman going against his word, tying to save this man’s life. You don’t manipulate a person’s head who likely has a broken neck. You certainly don’t ask someone else to. Who the fuck do you think you are.
The New Scene: Let’s get away from that. I can’t keep feeling angry with that man, but I am, and will be for some time. So I step back, trying to comprehend what the fuck had just happened. A car, sandwiched between two trees. One tree ripped the driver side to shreds. It was the other tree that was hit head-on. The car was like nothing I’ve seen. Looking at the trunk was the only way to tell what kind of car it was; a Dodge Charger, maybe 2008. The wreckage was strewn across 50 yards, maybe farther. A moon roof in the grass, the driveshaft under it. The passenger front wheel assembly was 150 feet away where it had hit a truck, damaging the door. It looked like the wreckage of a small airplane. The man was ejected about 25 feet into a third tree. His body was unnaturally contorted, broken legs, arms; basically everything.
The Next Day: After a long night, where all of us talked about it in our own way; my friend and I went to the store, passing the site on the way there and back. It was the trip back when it all became clear. A long straight stretch of road and a nasty turn. There were no tire makes, no indication that he even tried to stop and the tree he ended up lying next to was straight ahead. He didn’t stop, he didn’t turn and fortunately, he likely didn’t know what hit him. He was killed instantly.
There is much more and I could go on for hours, it was simply a tragedy, one that everyone involved will carry with them for life. Any empathetic human can’t forget a situation like that, not to mention the fear that someone else may have been in the car. In particular, a child as there was a lunchbox and backpack visible. A small concession in this terrible catastrophe is that he was alone and he died instantly. Small, but still meaningful.
My Wife: Our 16th anniversary was that Sunday. Since this happened late at night ,we actually kicked off our “celebration” with this calamity. What I feel for my wife has profoundly changed. I see not only my beautiful, extraordinary wife; I see a woman with compassion that overflows. An amazing, empathetic woman who can overcome any adversity thrown her way. But also a woman I am so worried about because she is carrying the weight of this man’s life on her shoulders.
I don’t know what to do, but I start by showing her just how proud I am of her, to be there for her and try and ease that burden from her. If I could take it from her, I would carry that weight, but I can’t. All I can do is love her, tell her how much she means to me and give her a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen with. Give her words of encouragement as often as I can repeat to her that she did the right thing and that she gave this man a chance, and he was worth it. CPR might double your odds, but his odds were very slim. That doesn’t mean you don’t try, I hope someone with her courage will be there for me if I ever need it.
My love for her has never been stronger, my appreciation has never been deeper and my respect has never been more evident.
Adverse Emotional Overload: The first emotions I felt after hearing the crash were fear and worry. While driving to the scene, it was arrant chaos. After arriving at the scene, when my friends expression said it all, it was disbelief, sadness and angst. Then adrenalin kicked in. During this brief time, there was only a flurry of commotion.
Things moved slowly, sounds were acutely discernable. There were a few moments of hope as well. Someone said his eyes opened. I was looking at him, and I didn’t notice any sign of life, yet hearing that still provided some feeling of optimism, however brief it was. Then sheer anger. The anger began when the man told my wife to do mouth-to-mouth. But that wasn’t the end. My wife began to say things like “come on buddy” which was repeated by a couple people, including myself. Then the man said “he’s not waking up, leave him alone”. Again, who the fuck is this man to tell us to give up hope. Sure, we knew he was probably right, but what is wrong with optimism in a time like this. Even if it’s just to make us feel better. Fuck you, you contemptuous piece of shit.
After the fluids, when everyone gave up (emergency responders were still not on site, more on that later), I believe I was in shock. I wasn’t really feeling much of anything, and there was a disconnect between my feelings and reality. I saw the same look in everyone’s eyes. A look of total disbelief, fear and sadness.
I was numb, even while my wife gave statements, even when we got back to our fire, and even while everyone but me began to drink heavily. I was not drinking because I wanted to make sure that if my wife was ready to go home, she could. I wanted her to drink, she needed to feel numb.
Then the emotions slowly began to hit me as reality started sinking in as I was staring into the fire. Images of the scene, the disturbing thoughts of how mangled the car was, then the thoughts of how that poor young man was Just as mangled. The images of emergency personnel going through his pockets. The images of my wife giving mouth-to-mouth. The images of her covered in blood. All those emotions that I was numb for at the time came flooding in, and I couldn’t stop it. But my main focus was on the anger towards that man and the trauma he put my wife through. Everyone began to have a good time again, as I just stared at the fire. I was happy my wife had drank enough to be content, if even for the moment, but I knew it was temporary. My biggest concern was her.
Sure, I was sad about the man who died, disturbed by the whole event, I was worried about my friends and their children in the house who were having a very hard time. They thought there was an explosion out back, and they were very traumatized. But nothing compared to how worried I was about my wife and how she was going to cope with this. This was when my emotions began to overload.
Societal Failure: As people began gathering, I didn’t think much of it at the time, but so many people were just watching. I can’t blame them, I had no idea of what to do either. I would have helped my friends look through the car, and they put their lives at risk to do so, but my focus was on my wife. As soon as she ran to the body, I ran with her. Again, I certainly don’t blame anyone for not doing more, I blame our society. After doing some research, I found out the staggering amount of people who have died as people stood around doing nothing.
Anyone can do chest compressions, and that simple act can double your chance of survival. But people are scared and uninformed, myself included. How could the “greatest country on Earth” have so many cases of people dying while others watch? How could someone sue another for giving CPR? It’s happened. I understand why this is an issue, but I don’t understand why we can’t fix it. It should be our duty to help those in need, but you could get punished for it. Maybe it’s a lawsuit because you broke their ribs. Maybe it’s a scam to rob you blind. Anyway you look at it, people are afraid to help others, and I can’t blame them.
If you see someone collapse and they don’t have a pulse, call 911 and immediately begin chest compressions. You don’t need special training (although it helps of course), just read and learn how to do it. You never know, you might just save someone’s life. Standing around and waiting for emergency services might be too late.
Speaking of emergency services, another disturbing thing happened that night. No one could get through to 911. The owner of the house the crash took place at was the first to see the wreckage. As my friends were running, they heard him yell “call 911”. She did, and could not get through. It took her 5 times, and others had the same problem. Perhaps too many were calling at once, but this is 2016. How could it he that 911 is so completely inadequate? Is it underfunded? Are the systems out of date? If so, how have we as a nation allowed this to happen? It was the Fourth of July weekend, you would think they would be prepared for high call volume, but obviously not.
While in this case, neither of the aforementioned issues would have made a difference. Someone could have began CPR immediately and the emergency services could have gotten there in seconds, this man was not going to survive. But what if he wasn’t in that bad of shape? People would have stood around trying to get ahold of 911, waiting for them to arrive. It would have been too late, and a preventable death would be the outcome. It happens a lot, every day in every part if the country. People die because bystanders are either afraid to give CPR, don’t know how to or first responders don’t show up in time. Perhaps it’s simply because 911 is not properly equipped. Google knows where I am, why can’t 911 dispatchers?
There is an app for every single occasion, what about an emergency app that dials 911, gives your pinpoint location and tips on what to do in real-time? Why can’t we text 911? Why the fuck is this system so antiquated? The solution seems so simple it’s disgusting, let’s upgrade our most important public safety service, who cares what it costs. I have had a really hard time with this fact after some very simple research. What is the value of human lives? We have unlimited money for wars, but our infrastructure us crumbling, and the 911 service is part of that. No one wants to ever have to use it, but you certainly expect the phone to be answered when you do need it.
I didn’t have that problem in LA when my friend and I stopped to help an old man who was in a minor accident. My problem was trying to tell them where I was. I didn’t know, running to find signs, trying to ask for help. The operator was pissed with me, I finally found a street corner and he asked west or eastbound. I didn’t even know that. I had been there for about a week. But again, Google Maps can show what part of my house I’m in. That is simply fucked beyond comprehension.
What’s more concerning, terrorist attacks that are obviously horrible, but also rare. Or not being able to get ahold of 911, or if you do, them not knowing where you are if you’re on a cell phone? I think the answer is obvious and if you hedge on this question, wake the fuck up! I think we can all agree that no 911 call should go unanswered at the least. At best, 911 should be able to track your location, just like Google Maps can. I don’t even understand why this is an issue in 2016 and the proliferation of cell phones. Refuckingdiculous!
Emergency Personnel: Yes, I knocked 911, but I’m talking about the service, or lack thereof. The people behind the scenes are amazing at what they do. They must be prepared for literally anything, and also have to hear calls that are likely devastating to hear.
Then, there are the first responders, who see tragedies, such as what we saw, on a daily basis. There was a young man, likely a volunteer firefighter in his late teens, early 20’s. He was getting information from anyone who touched the body. He was visibly shaken, the clipboard in his hand revealed this. He was asking simple contact information and forgot to get my wife’s phone number. He too will be traumatized by what he saw that night, yet did his job admirably. As did the others on scene, going through the car with great care to ensure no one else was in it.
It was hard to know, the dashboard was crushed down into the front seats and the car was a fraction of the size of what it was. Doors were ripped off, and like my friends, they put their lives on the line. Although there was no smell present, you just don’t know with a car that was crushed to this extent.
Finally, although not needed in this case, are the emergency room staff. Day after day, night after night, they see tragedy. You can’t save everyone, but they give it their best. They might lose someone one minute only to have to go right back to work on someone else who might be in critical condition.
All these people have one thing in common: they are no stranger to seeing dead bodies or worse, trying to save someone and not being able to. However, the difference between them and us who witnessed this particular tragedy, while they also fail to resuscitate at times, they also have victories, bringing people back from death. Those victories, which was denied to us and, in particular, my wife, are important to ease the grieving process. For those who don’t have victories, only one failure to resuscitate, how can you get past that grief? How do you cope?
We all have different coping skills, but my wife is taking it very personally. She is angry. Angry at the man who forced her to do mouth-to-mouth, while prior to her beginning compressions, he just stood there, announcing he is dead. Yes, he had no pulse, that’s the entire point of CPR. She is angry at all the people standing around, doing nothing but watch as my wife gave CPR while others searched the wreckage for others. No one offered help, they simply watched. She is angry that no one would respond to her when she asked simple questions. She is angry that she has to get tested for bloodborne pathogens for the next 6 months because of mouth-to-mouth on a stranger.
Her anger is justified, because that’s simply how she feels. I am angry with her. While I did very little except give up my shirt, I understand her anger. If that piece of shit hadn’t asked her to do mouth-to-mouth, which he could have done himself with his fucking 35 years of experience, things would be much different, for both of us. The sadness would still be there, but the anger would not. I can’t imagine what she must have felt doing that, and the image of her will never leave me. But she did it, because that’s just the type of person she is.
Why did I not speak up? I’m no expert, but even I knew he was performing 1970 style CPR. Why did I let her do that? Why didn’t I pull her away and tell her she doesn’t need to do that? Why didn’t I call out this man who did nothing to help this young man? These questions will be with me for a very long time. I didn’t protect my love, I guess I was in shock and felt completely useless. That excuse isn’t good enough for me. And my anger extends beyond what I have stated, my anger extends to myself for allowing my wife to be put in that situation.
She is also extremely sad. We don’t even know the mans name. Why there is no record of this accident is beyond me. But she is taking on his burden, a burden that is not hers to carry. That is the burden for his friends and family to carry, but she is just that type of person. I want to help her carry this, but I don’t know how. Again, I’ll simply show her my appreciation, my love, my admiration and my loyalty. I hope that is enough. My solace is knowing that she is such an amazing, strong woman who, together, we will get past this.
She is no hero, she doesn’t want any accolades. Our friends were just as courageous, immediately running to the scene and going through the car. She doesn’t want anything, but I do. I want to free her from the pain she is feeling. I want to be a better husband for her and I need her to know that she is my hero and that I could never put into words how impressed and amazed I am with her reaction and her compassion. The same goes to my friends. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you’re surrounded by such caring, benevolent people.
The Comfort of God: When there was no chance of bringing this man back, someone covered him with a blanket saying “he’s with God now”. How comforting this must be. As an atheist, I don’t have that comfort. Such a simple, convenient thought, he’s in a better place. For me, my better place is here on Earth with my wife, family and friends.
While I completely understand that appeal, that feeling that there is not only more after this life, but it’s a perfect place to spend eternity with all your friends and family. Perhaps he is up in heaven, hanging out with people he may have lost, waiting for his other loved ones to join him. Or maybe he’s not up there, and God judged him to spend eternity suffering in hell. Obviously, I don’t believe in heaven or hell, but find it hard to imagine any God would be so vindictive, cruel and spiteful. If you need hell to motivate you to be good, then I have trouble thinking you’re actually a good person. A good person does good things not to avoid hell, but because they feel good helping others and because they are empathetic humans who actually care about their neighbors and even strangers. However, I get the appeal, it just seems like such a convenient belief.
I view things differently though. This is our life, the only one we have. That man lost his. Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was texting, perhaps he fell asleep or had a medical emergency. Whatever the case, he is gone and will live on. Not in heaven, but in the memories of his loved ones, and now, in the memories of a group of strangers.
What struck me though, was here was a man who likely had every bone in his body broken. Twisted, bloody and yet, he looked completely at peace. Even as fluids began pouring out of his mouth, he wasn’t choking. He had no pain at all. He was in the abyss that we will all enter one day. I can only hope that I go as peacefully as he did.
It’s doubtful he even had time to be afraid. He was gone in an instant, a death so many are not as fortunate to have. For example, had he not been ejected, the dashboard would have cut him in two. Maybe he survives, pinned between the dashboard and the seat with his final moments being intense pain and extreme fear. Instead, it was instant. No different than dying in your sleep.
You don’t know how long you have on this Earth, but eventually, your time is up. We can only hope for a death that is instant, painless and peaceful. I wasn’t thinking about this until much later, but it does give me comfort. He was taken too soon, but he was gone in a bat of the eye.
A Time For Contemplation and Introspection: A recurring dream and little sleep for the first few nights made Introspection impossible. Fortunately, my doctor gave me something to help me sleep. The dream was me, standing over the man’s body, which was even worse than it was in real life. My wife, covered in blood from head to toe takes my shirt frim under the man’s neck as his head twists in a horrific manner. She hands me the shirt, “it’s cold outside” she says, crying. I put it on and it is wet with blood. I can feel the blood dripping, then I wake up. From Saturday until Wednesday, I got very little sleep, making things worse.
After getting some sleeping pills, and finally getting some good sleep, I began to reflect on the situation as well as my life. I wasn’t going to let this man’s death be in vein. I was going to use it to try and better myself. Oddly enough, my fear of death has been greatly diminished. Of course I want to live as long as possible; but that look of peace I spoke of finally made me realize that, while life is precious, death is a release of all the pain, burdens and other scars, emotional and physical, that we all carry with us.
Consciousness is a capricious bitch. Ever changing, always there. We have all seen roadkill, the mangled corpse of an animal, a bag of blood, organs and bones. We’re no different. Our bodies are just as feeble, if not more so than many of life’s marvelous creatures. Our brain is what separates us from animals, but we too are simply bags of blood, organs and bones. A perfect system when everything is working properly. But it is so delicate. Our bones break, our organs fail and we are aware of this. We are aware of our own mortality. This is the burden of self-awareness. Animals feel pain, but we comprehend it. Animals have fear, but it is simply an instinct. We recognize fear and often we are unable to control it. We feel sadness, anger, hate, fear, loss, anxiety, depression, jealousy, grief, sorrow, shame, insecurity, physical and emotional pain and so many other negative emotions.
However, we also feel positive emotions such as happiness, laughter, excitement, joy, pleasure, hope, serenity, passion, satisfaction, bliss, trust, understanding, empathy, pride, friendship among so many others. But most importantly, we feel love. A bond with other people and our pets that many writers and poets have tried to put into words, a nearly impossible task.
Without love, life would simply not be worth living. For me, this incident has strengthened my love, along with other positive feelings. Of course, it has also brought about many negative emotions, but those feelings are natural and can be dealt with over time.
Most importantly, I have a new found love and appreciation for my friend’s, but mostly for my wife. After being together for 22 years, married for 16, it is so easy to become complacent. It is so easy to take them for granted.
However, I feel that if I don’t try to take something positive out of such a negative situation, then I am wasting an opportunity to enhance our relationship, to grow it through mutual admiration and an indescribable love that I have for her. All I know is that if I simply focus on the bad, then I am wasting an opportunity. An opportunity that someone paid the ultimate price to provide. An opportunity that I must embrace, to take full advantage of the life we have left.
Sure, we are fragile creatures. But our emotions are a blessing and a curse. We have all lost loved ones and know that pain. Even the loss of a pet is traumatic. But seeing what we saw brings a new perspective on my life. A new appreciation for being part of this crazy world and a new appreciation for the love of my life.
With so much death and suffering in this fucked up world, there is even more love and pleasure. I intend to make the most of the limited time I have left, and I couldn’t imagine spending that remaining time without my cherished friends, my treasured family, my precious kitties and, most importantly, my wonderful, beloved wife.
